I venture back here

I didn't drop off the face of the planet!

...for any friends still reading...

I have been painting a good bit, but I haven't been blogging that, either.

I really hate blogs to exist mostly for times of stress and the good times are skipped and I desperately do not want this long-term investment I have here to become that.

My relationship with Bea is troubled, but she is resolute about making it work. I am on the fence. About the many things she promises, I feel like they're carrots on strings, as she has not come through on any of it. However, I can honestly say that she has had the worst upbringing that I have ever heard of and she desperately wants to put that behind her, but I think I am bringing her realizations of the baggage she has and now wants to work on. I'm a fer piece from high class, but she is from the ghetto. Although we have broken up twice, we are considering couples therapy, her suggestion. She is a sweet person with a big heart, but she needs to trust me and to come through on what she says.

My son is doing very well. He's in a nature camp with a friend this week. He finished his second year of violin, but he's less and less willing. Against his wishes, I signed him up for that camp this summer, too, although he will miss a lot of that due to his greatest new love, Boy Scouts and Summer Camp. It could be worse. He's still the quiet, demure guy, but he shows such tenacity, resolve, and composure as a new Scout that I get compliments on him all the time. Alas, if only he were so cooperative with me!

Bea did surprise us by buying him a pre-paid phone last week and he's really enjoying that. I loved it today, b/c my new phone died last night and I got a replacement today, but the phone number transfer didn't work from the SIM card and I was left in the cold today. It'd be so much easier if I could just remember phone numbers!

Painting is going well. Although me showing in public was new in January, I have loved being able to do it. I routinely have three pieces in the gallery, plus now have a coffee shop, library (I have a solo wall next month!), senior center, and government center for exhibits. Selling isn't the thing; creating and displaying are. It lights a fire on me to need to produce. Just next week, I will be hanging 10 pieces in two locations. So exciting. I am enamoured with pure landscapes and painting en plein air. It charges me.

I wish Bea would understand and respect it more, as there are lots of weekend conflicts with opportunities to paint and go to workshops.

Now if only I could come through on another block. So sorry, Val. I have not forgotten you.

If you read the art blog, or the lack thereof lately, don't consider it dead, either. I've been painting instead of photographing paintings or writing. I'll have an inspired day soon and post a number in one day.

Next month, I fly to a family reunion with my mother's mother's family. It's the first time to have such a gathering outside a misc wedding or funeral. My son will be at Scout Camp, but I guess I'll do. Of course, they specifically request the kids. There's a measure of geneaolgy which a 2nd cousin is putting together, so I am looking forward to that angle: compiling about the living!

Three cats are doing well, but Memphie has lost a lot of weight recently and I am having flashbacks to Sa.die two years ago. He's had a check up and bloodwork done, but it is inconclusive as far as I know - just a low amylase, tiny high WBC, and high specific gravity. Hopefully, I talk to the vet again tomorrow about the thyroid. I go to Banfield, a chain, b/c they offer a pay-by-the month program and all office visits/vaccines are included. So far, I've only paid extra for the thyroid test, but I pay so much with time, miscommunication, absolute lack of communication, and plain ol' poor service or caring that I am considering a switch. They didn't notice that they kept a cat who has recently lost two whole pounds in a cage w/o food or water for 10.5h. I just don't see the compassion, but I don't know if all the locations are so over taxed.

I still talk to Lyd often. She started a physician-guided shake diet and has lost about 25 pounds. I am so proud of her for doing it. Her mother has spent all her lottery winnings for the year already, so they're back to normal, but do have a nice sun porch to show for it. Lyd is still hung up on me, but tries with all her might not to go there. Although she'd say she's weak, I think she is one of the strongest people I know. I should tell her.

I tried to get on Bloglines today to catch up a bit, but it wouldn't let me it. Feel free to lead me to any especially telling blog entries you've read or written in the last few months.

Now I'm telling myself, "Don't be a stranger!"

Still looking: the review

I saw three houses today.

I described the first one in the entry below. It has a very large foyer/dining room/living room/curved staircase entry. It is very grand, but not a very practical use of space. The kitchen is impressive and worthy of the house. I wish it had a deck. Everything upstairs is good, to include the incredible master closets. The basement seems to have had a small flood, probably due to the entry well door having a bunch of leaves blocking the drain. There's a slight mildewy odor, but I don't think it is terminal. Much of the basement is dark, but that suits it being a media room very well. Under the whole front half of the house is a huge unfinished storage area. There was a lot of junk/clothes left around, so it was messy and not pristine, but that doesn't really matter.

The second house was much smaller, had a dining room, but no living room. It had two masters, but neither had more than a single small walk in closet. The basement was finished and well lit with a bedroom, but they only left about the size of a walk in closet unfinished for storage. It also almost backed to a busier road.

The third house was not in the neighborhood I wanted, but the realtor, who was very cool, wanted to see it for herself. It was grand and beautiful and on a very large lot backing to woods. The kitchen was spacious, but not huge or particularly open. It has a library, which would probably be the studio, and a large solarium, in addition to the family room.

It had five bedrooms upstairs and the master had double doors with two steps leading to them. There were two closets, but they were regular walk in size vs. the three large, successive closets in the first one. The master and sitting rooms were smaller, too, but still substantial. One bedroom smelled of smoke, as if it were the smoking room, but size-wise it would have to be for one of the boys, although it would have to use the nearby hall bath. One bedroom was a small throw away one, guess that would be the nursery if it weren't so far from the master. Another had its own bath and would have been great for one boy.

Downstairs painted the picture of why it is in foreclosure. It reeked of mold with a longstanding water problem; the carpeting was stained, but there didn't appear to be a water line on the wall. It is unfortunate. It had a great rec area and bar, a bedroom, and a study, which had a large 20x20 unfinished area off if it. There were also two other unfinished areas, each about 14x14.

This home was incredible and Bea would probably pay the preforeclosed price. Shoot, the thing was also on a cul de sac. Guess it was too perfect. Now the realtor is checking on the selling status of the first one and Bea is ready to do a home inspection on the first and last ones. It wouldn't cost much to figure out their problems.

Houses for sale are very difficult to come by in these parts.

Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate you hanging around. I seem to be only able to update one blog at a time; haven't done my art one in a month, although I do have some paintings and such to show.

Tomorrow is career day at school. I am the Resident Artist. Then I drive several hours to spend the weekend with Bea, then I drive back to pick up J on Sunday and drive a couple hours the other way to get a painting I left for a show three states away. Glad they're small states. So I won't be back home until Monday. Guess I need to get packing.

Life can move quickly

Yup. We're looking at a house not far from here and I'm being specific b/c of the schools - I've been through too many boundary meetings the past few years to err on this one. This home is huge, over 5K sq ft. I never in my dreams thought I could live in a house like that. With the market coming down, it's about 35% less than what it appraised at a few years ago.

What a bargain!

This one doesn't have as good of light as I'd want in the basement (hence, it's great as a Media Room, etc), so I'd claim the Library as my studio.

The Master Bedroom takes up half the upstairs.

I'm not completely crazy about the brick color (too light), but it has everything else and more.

Pinch me!

The kitchen is so large that it has room for five tall chairs and a table for six.

I would move out of my place, but retain it as a rental. It would need new carpet and such; Bea is fine with footing the bill.

Life is good.

I have plans for a bunch of Ethan Allen. My dining room furniture is from there and I love the lines.

I have never in my life had more than one couch. For the last seven years, I've only had a tattered love seat. This house has seven rooms that would take couches.

Jeez, where will I get the time to decorate? I will need to paint big stuff to fill the walls. And I want to buy paintings of my artist friends to fill the house with people I know.

It doesn't have a deck and I have plans for a wrap around one with a hot top and a fire pit. Bea is cool with it. She likes my ideas for configuring the bedrooms with the boys. The only thing I do not have planned is a nursery. That still has to stew a bit in my head. Any additional offspring would go in the 2nd largest bedroom (abnormally large, so could not let it go to one of the boys and not the other) which I had slotted as a kiddie game room.

Is this my life?

Children, money, and moving forward

Bea hasn't heard from the therapist again. Or the therapist's friend. If something is stirred up again, I'll write the letter. I think it is over now.

We had an incredible weekend together. I drove a few hours to see her. We talked a lot and I feel confident in who she is. I am trying to make her feel more confident in who she is as well. I think she understands me and how cautious I am. We have a great understanding of one another. She's overwelmed that she felt this way over me so soon, as it isn't her usual modus. I think it's to my credit that I am working slowly. In fact, I told her that I like her despite her the money.

Bea has a 4yo son who lives with her half the year, plus she visits often and talks to him daily. They even have a camera system and she can see him all the time.

Bea's ex from the time, Mimi, homeschools the boy and he's a sponge for it even this young. (My son is the opposite, so it's interesting to hear about.) They inseminated Bea and she was at first pregnant with twins, lost them, and got pregnant the next try with Mike. She was fine being pregnant and had a waterbirth because of Mimi's insistence about natural childbirth. Bea went along, but it made her never want to do it again. Ever.

She really wants more children and to have a normal family thing, is interested in adpotion. However, she is willing to pay for me to have IVF and to help, as she'd gone through similar when they tried to get Mimi pregnant. She suggested that I do it. She's wanting to try it with my own eggs, because it is my preference, at least at the outset.

The concept is blowing my mind. As I turned 45, I was largely able to turn off the baby desires. I felt it was impossible and I am actually proud that I could switch gears. I have been able to cringe much less with a baby in proximity; although not perfect, I considered myself almost emotionally healed from IF.

Now she's interested in me trying this. We would have equal legal rights, just as she gave her partner with Mike.

She has several vials left of the sperm used for Mike. Apparently it's a real commondity and people want to buy it. The donor has a great track record for producing children. Over the weekend, she asked me what I would want and I said I'd always wanted another redhead. She said she wouldn't want my ex-husband to donate and I agreed quickly. It would be interesting using the same donor she'd used before, as any new baby would be a half sibling with Mike as well as a half sibling through me for J.

I told her I would not do it right away. I do not like the thought of being engaged in this stuff near the outset of our relationship, when I'd rather be showing her Europe. With her money, though, it'd be possible to go with children and travel.

Anyway, Bea presents a lot of issues and opportunities. She wants to buy a house near me for the schools; I began looking and drove through my preferred neighborhood. That way, locally, I could still do my art thing the way I've carved it out the past few months. I keep thinking that I could have my cake and eat it too, that J could begin middle school in the location I'd prefer, that I could have a dedicated art studio with proper lighting and supplies, that I could have a baby with a partner who would actually be actively involved and sufficient enough to make it feel easier, that I could stay in this area and do all the things I love. The possibilities are endless. I could so the simple stuff I like and not worry. I could never be extravagent, yet I would be able to do so much simple stuff with such freedom.

I already have it worked out with her that before anything her money does jeopardizes my income, I will have a legal contract that my various incomes/insurances/home are protected and she'll be required to compensate me. She's said for herself that she does not require a prenup, but it's funny that me and my piddly interests do.

She gives free access to her ATMs etc. Her last ex went to the ATM daily and withdrew the max - that is, the max that Bea is allowed (like $5K or something) if she goes directly to the card's bank. Bea didn't mind that a bit. What's hers is her mate's.

She spoke of the Vermont laws which allow for outsiders to get married. The only quirk is upon breaking up, when a year's residence would be required during the separation. Apparently the Vermont law can be applied elsewhere, so that legal rights are conferred for hospital settings, financal concerns, family issues, etc. I would need to research this more, because I've assumed for a very long time that I would never remarry.

Although it doesn't sound like I am taking it slowly, I am. This is all in the hypothetical. I do not have my hopes up. I still have way too many walls around my heart, but it feels so good to dream a little.

It only gets better

Seems the therapist gave the other woman Bea's phone number. When Bea didn't call last night, the woman called her at 7am. It woke her up and she just got off the phone as quickly as she could.

She was supposed to see the therapist today, but didn't go. The therapist called and asked why she didn't come and Bea said she wanted to stop. Late this afternoon, the therapist came to her house uninvited. Said Bea needed to see her and she added a fourth session to her schedule next week to compensate for the one missed today. Bea declined. It got heated. Bea said she didn't want to hear from her or her friend again. The therapist said Bea still owed her for today and Bea just rolled her eyes. After she left, she called the clinic and said she did want to see this therapist again. Turns out the therapist had, without her knowledge, scheduled her for four sessions next week. So she canceled them and hopefully is free.

If the therapist had not come by, I was writing a letter on Bea's behalf to the therapist. I have urged her to report the woman and will continue to do so.

After doing Scouts all morning tomorrow and painting in the afternoon tomorrow, I'm driving the three hours down to see her; twice in the past we've met in the middle. I'll evaluate things then. I assure you that I have a good head on my shoulders about this. I am not dependent. I have not fallen. My eyes are wide open. She is pursuing me and I am taking it very slowly. I do not think she is playing me (gosh, just think how suspicious and paranoid I am!), but I am very prepared if that's the case. In some situations in my life, trust is granted easily. In situations like this, it is not. She is naive, but I don't think it is terminal. She needs better people around her.

Next paragraph

I talked to Bea after the session today. Per the kind recommendation in comments, I googled and found a list of ethical concerns and sent it to Bea. I don't think I needed to, b/c Bea had come to her own conclusion.

After their first session last evening, this therapist called her bi-but-mostly-lesbian friend and told her about her new client. She got the other woman's permission for the therapist to pass along her phone number, which she did and said the other woman is waiting with anticipation for her call.

Talk about therapist-client privacy being jeopardized. It makes me furious.

This therapist interjected a bunch of other personal stuff today as Bea talked, often steering the conversation toward her. Bea felt like she was trying to be a friend instead of a professional.

She wants Bea to come three times a week and Bea is not interested in that frequency; Bea is confused, but she is not a head case. I think it is a financial thing, not one based in need. Bea is a good journal writer and I started her on a private blog a week or two ago. This therapist wants her to write and bring it in, which she did. Last night, she wrote. Today, the therapist read and picked apart each word and nuance. It made Bea wonder why she'd even brought it in.

Bea felt like the therapist's questions were inappropriate, as in how she became a lesbian, to which Bea said she was born this way. She had a boyfriend once in the sixth grade and they punched each others' arms. Apart from her attacker, she'd never been touched by a man, but she is clear to say that she has nothing against men, unlike some lesbians.

The therapist asked how many times in a sex session she would have orgasms. Bea felt very creeped out. And Bea wondered how much of this info would go to the therapist's friend.

The therapist also said to dump me - again. Bea told her that I didn't take to how she categorized all bipolars. Bea explained that I've had years of treatment and am very stable; the therapist apologized for hurting me, but I would actually have to give her much more power if I were to allow her to hurt me. It's silly. I don't care what the therapist thinks, but I do not want her position of authority to influence Bea.

The strange thing to me is how the therapist is cuing on me, because the other women living around Bea have drugged and rapped her and have cheated on her. They all manipulate her. I don't like their hands in her pockets and Bea is very generous with money and ATM cards.

Bea's birthday is in a few weeks. She wants me to do something with her for a weekend. I suggested Memp.his b/c I have always wanted to visit and experience the blues first hand; it's not that far or that extravagent. She loves music and thinks it's a good idea. She said she wants her gift from me to be me singing karoke for her. I am the worst singer in the world. She is perhaps the best, the voice of my dreams. If it's what she wants, then I will. And I will laugh, b/c she is so sweet to crave something that I could actually give. She's not much of a drinker, but I would take a pass that night and have a few.

We talked for a very long time today and we are in a good place. I enjoy her very much and I know she craves the stability I could offer. I like her spirit and her eagerness. We are good together in many ways. I would like to take some time to find out. I am relieved to be unencumbered now.

The next page

Lyd called last night and I officially pulled the plug. I told her that I could not be part of her fantasy. I want her to disengage from me and find someone local and I want the same for me. She hates when she feels like a girl, but she's crying and moping. I told her that she needs distance and to not call until next week. I told her that I cannot handle the routinely long phone calls, that I can't entertain her, but I still like her and care for her. I don't see how there's a gray area for her, although there's always been one for me. I don't know how we can be friends.

She can be quite eloquent and she's written me a few short emails. She said she's not in love lost, but rather love limbo. She's excellent at telling herself what to do and how to feel - when she's not being mentally masochistic. I think she's seeing beauty instead of dirt for now.

I've known her almost a year. In some ways, I wish we could have made it until then. Also, her birthday is in just a few weeks. I just couldn't handle the disparity in our feelings any longer and felt such pressure in Sea.ttle. I also felt a huge sense of inadequacy, because I could not be what she wanted. I am not her princess.

Yeah, I do feel loss, but I feel a lot of relief, too. I know I will be lonely.

Afterward, I talked to Bea, who'd had a house call from her new therapist as her first session. She felt good about it, but I have some misgivings. First off, the therapist actually recommended a lesbian friend for her to date, talking her up. WRONG! Second, the therapist told her to run away from me, that she sees bipolars in her practice and that Bea has no idea what they're (I'm) capable of. I have never once had a therapist actually tell me what to do; this is ridiculous on a number of levels. Third, the therapist opened up at some length to Bea about some of her own problems.

This just feels all wrong! And I'm not saying that as a scorned-by-therapist friend or potential girlfriend. Bea lives in the boondocks, but there have to be some choices. Trouble is, when you work up nerve enough to finally call someone, you want it to work and perhaps lack energy to keep looking.

Gianna, thank you so much for your comment and for opening up; I miss it here, too. I have contemplated adopting the label of lesbian, but I do not feel like I would fit in that world. Although I could not at present fathom a relationship with a man, I cannot step into the lesbian stereotypical relationship, either. I don't find myself attracted to the feminine and like the soft butch, but I don't like the June and Ward Cleaver dynamic I see with that pairing. I want a partner who is an equal.

Lyd did leave me with a great parting gift. It should suffice for many coupling sessions - a beautiful glass watermelon dildo. I recommend them highly.

Don't mind me, I'm just thinking aloud

Two main things have happened since my last installments. Well, three. They are all intermingled in my mind.

I was pursued heavily by a woman on a dating site. I ignored her at first. She's young at 29 and black and I admit to just seeing hip hop in her picture and her ill-spelled narrative, me figuring we has nothing in common. Turns out, she's very kind and big-hearted, but terribly confused, seriously lacking in confidence. She has a four year old son who lives 50-50 with a previous partner several states away.

She's been through a lot. She was beaten and raped several years ago by her boss and left for dead in the trash. Through the withholding of evidence and other things, she won many million dollars. After it was awarded a good while later, she sat on the nest egg for a whole year, so she does have some sense. In only three years, she has almost doubled it. She has more millions than I have fingers. She's probably given away a million to family members.

This would sound good, except I am not a greedy person, poor as I am. She has three women in her life who love her and she does not love back, but she considers them friends. Some friends. One she wrote a check for $100,000 (her standard amount) after they had a row last year, nothing my new friend needed to take the fall for, particularly considering the other woman drugged her and took advantage of her.

To her benefit, she does not care about h. We've discussed it and she's researched it and she doesn't really care. How cool is that?

However, this woman is complicated. She gambles a lot. Last week, we saw each other on Saturday and Wednesday. During the latter, I learned that on Tuesday she'd done online slots and lost $6000. I realize it's a drop in the bucket, but I still think it's wasteful. She recently went to a race track/casino and won almost $10K, but split it with her "friends." This past weekend was her first trip to Vegas, but I was afraid to ask about the losses or gains. Last week I learned she'd taken a manual labor job several years ago, a very good job paying over $20/hr, and she decided that was her gambling money. In over a year's worth of time, she spent $1000/day on scratch offs.

She is considering taking a daily newspaper route job with one of the women (old gf who lives around the block who is hot and heavy after her), b/c the woman is too poor to make ends meet w/o her cash influx. She is thinking that seven days a week from 2-7am is a good use of her time?

I do not think she is addicted to gambling. I do think she is bored and misguided. Today I told her that she needs to do something with her life, like going to college and giving $6000 to an animal shelter or something. She defended herself that she does give - I knew she's given $10K a few times to her grandmother's church - and told me about a hospital she gives to through an annual charity benefit she does - and she's already asked me to it as her date for October. Still, $5K/plate dinners do not count in the grand scheme. Sorry. If she couldn't even name the hospital, she's not doing enough.

So this new friend, I'll call her Bea, needs a good mother and always seems to date older women. Unfortunately, people take advantage of her. I am trying hard to not have an agenda and to steer her in a good direction. She's very smart, but really needs some confidence and a backbone. To her credit, she often voices how thrilled she is that I am so honest with her. But then the wind blows and one of the women who loves her gets a hold of her again.

She began therapy again today (she had it several years after the attack) and she wants an old version of herself back.

I would love a slice of that money in the generous fashion she hands it out (actually a mere $25K would take care of all my present worries!), but I cannot do it in good conscience, not until we are really together.

My second issue preceeds the first. It's Lyd. I care for her very much, but just not THAT way. This weekend, we met in Se.attle and we had a good time. She was so thoughtful, planning a couple's massage on Friday. Saturday was wonderful in that I painted two pieces early, then we went to an online friend's studio, on to see the original of Neiman's McCrory's at the bar (I have a print of it in my living room), then to a large art store. We met her hometown friend and her fiance for lunch, then went to their place for dinner. I really liked her friend, also a soft butch. The girlfriend was really girlie and very rules-oriented. Anyway, it was fun, but a different world.

On Friday night, she began talk of us. She does not know about Bea (whom I've only seen twice and don't think of as a thing yet) and she kept speaking of the future, even though she knows I am not committed. She has our wedding date planned for about 18 months from now. I roll with it in jest when she mentions it, but I guess I'm finally realizing how serious she is. She thinks it is feasible for us to wait 10 years until J is out of the house for me to move to CA to live with her and her bitchy, narissistic mother. Huh? I take things one day at a time. I cannot handle all this ridiculous advanced planning. She is misguided. I thought we could have a good time together without all the baggage. I felt pressured all weekend.

We had an awkward phone conversation this evening, as if I should read her mind. I wish we could just be friends. I do not want more. I don't think she wants less than what she wants.

As an aside, I don't see how any men understand or enjoy women. They are squirrely and needy and demanding and pushy. Is there a third option? I really thought dating women would open up oportunities. Instead, I am categorized ad bisexual, which is sex speak for confused, wishy-washy, and fickle. I am anything but. In fact, I see being bi as being the most pure - I do not care about genitals. I care about the person, if only I could find one to care about.

The third thing precedes both the first and second. Last night, I went to look up my ex-fiance's daughter on FB. I looked her up two months ago and could get in b/c of her network setting. Evidently, she'd figured that out and I could not get in, but I looked at her friends. Fuck it all if her father wasn't in there this time. He's in the network, joined only two weeks ager I'd looked before, so I could look at him. And his significant weight loss. And decent haircut. And his severely overweight and exceedingly ugly wife. And their new, very large house they bought on a lake not far from their previous house, which she'd bought while he was cheating on me with her.

Yup. I suffered through this loser and a year of unemployment. I paid for all our activities except football. I watched him self-destruct and now someone else is reaping the benefits. It make me mad.

It also makes me mad that he seemingly moved on so easily. Onward and upward. I live in the same dump and haven't had a serious relationship since. Am I the putz here?

With P and life with ex, I am reminded how good I am for my mates, how my ambitions and pushing for them pan out. Just this evening Lyd said she's going to look at schools tomorrow; her mother's agreed to pay for something beyond her BA. Same with Bea. She'll get it together and move beyond me. They always do.

At my therapist's today, I told her that I am prepared to be alone. As it is, when the phone rings, I am stuck for an hour or more on someone that probably will not pan out for me. I'm not saying I don't enjoy the conversations, but they do intrude into my art time; I'd be painting right now instead of ruminating had Lyd not called for her daily meal break phone call.

My therapist thinks I should chunk the disability and get a job to get myself some direction. The thought scares the bejesus out of me, particularly considering I am just getting my art stuff together. I need some changes, but I need more than a few months as a "professional" artist before I wear it out.

All the other stuff - it's worn out already.

This made me squeal

Lyd's mother won several million dollars recently. It's divided out over 20 years. The amount of the yearly prize is 2-3 times what I make right now, so it'd be living better and buying more art supplies and workshops if I'd won, but not exactly living large.

But still. Their lives are changing. Her mother offered her tuition to go back to school to be a nurse; it's self serving on her mother's part. Lyd earned a general BA last spring, not really having a goal for it, but defaulting to the idea of teaching. Then the idea of nursing came up and she researched prerequisites. Lyd has too much of a temper to be in a helping profession. I want Lyd to go to graduate school in something she actually likes, but then her mother might not pay for that.

Knowing her mother and the strife that follows her (I think of her like the evil step-mother in Cinderella ordering her daughters around), this will be another means of control. I sincerely hope they can find balance with this. I also hope that her mother doesn't gamble it away, too, because the addiction runs deep.

This made me giggle

more animals

Sour Cream and Onion Crickettes

Yeah, really. They were dried crickets slathered in seasonings. Could have chosen a couple other flavors, too, like BBQ or cinnamon.

I could not eat my kind, but Lyd didn't know they were my kind! She ate the whole bag.

A funny

Museum by dumpr.net


What a fun widget thing! I wish I could paint that large. Cool faking it. Such grandeur.

Same ol'

I'm actually the optimistic sort, expecting the best to happen, figuring I'll learn and apply what I learned.

In my lapse of not reading Bloglines for a while ( I still have some of you to go), the dreaded pregnancy/new baby folder swelled to over 500 entries. In an act of courage and stupidity, I decided to tackle it.

Approximately every other blog was pregnant or had a brand new baby. I'm not even exaggerating. The shear numbers were completely unexpected. Operating in mistaken self-preseveration, I kept thinking, "No, this next one couldn't be," but it was.

I didn't understand, because most were in that folder because they (generally) got treatment to get pregnant in the first place and then they got their miracle baby allotment. Now they're working on bonuses.

Most days, I am fine being an over the hill infertile. In my life day to day, it rarely rears its head. I can talk to baby people just fine. However, the blog version of this scenario just isn't working for me. Although they couldn't really care less about me as a reader or an unfortunate individual, it feels cruel to learn how truly easy it becomes for some, how they cross back over that fence to stay. It feels like they weren't really infertile, that we were all fooled for a time.

Of course, I don't really believe these things, nor do I think an infertile's pregnancy is directed at my tender psyche, but it sure feels that way as I read entry after entry in a folder of infertiles, who rolled surprise pregnancies in Las Vegas or in their own damn bedrooms.

I wish I'd been so lucky. Reading that folder was overwhelming and it opened old wounds. I wish them all well, but mostly I wished myself well, too, but came up short. I don't think I will force myself to read that folder again. I really learned this time.

I made it!

I found out yesterday that I got juried into the art center! It was momentous and will be life changing. Regardless of selling anything or not, it elevates me to a high caliber of peers and will help my reputation immensely. My next goal is to be juried into the pastel society; I think that's where it'll be especially critical.

Although these weren't included my my portfolio I submitted to the art center last September, I thought I'd share some of the small paintings I did in California at Thanksgiving. The first is near Avenue of the Giants and the redwoods; the second is at the Monterey Wharf; the third is at the Lost Coast; and the last is near San Jose. Each is about 5x8 and took an hour or less, so they are sort of developed sketches.











I began in a new pastel class today and chose to do something with the mountains like in the last one, but with a bit closer feel. Lyd and her sister call them Butt Crack Mountains. teehee

Lyd paid for me to take the class. She is a sweetheart. After I get warmed up again with this pastel teacher I'd begun with several years ago, I'll do a painting for her - eucalyptus trees that she loves along this stretch of the highway heading to Monterey. I'll pay her back when I see her next month, because she won't take a check.

She's one benefactor and my mother is another. She's going to pay for my framing, in part because the piece she wanted is in there. It's the largest I've had framed and I don't know how much it'll cost, then there are two small and a medium. She's going to spring them from framer's prision next week.

It's lovely: I have more places to hang than I have art created or framed. Right now, I am in the gallery and the government building. This weekend, add a senior center. I'm also working on a coffee shop that should come together in the next few weeks.

It's wonderful to have the outlets and I need to now feel the various pressures. However, being in the position to feel such pressure is something I could have only dreamed about a year ago. I am actually in awe of what I have been able to accomplish since last June. I am not so lofty as to think that my art is the be all, end all, but I am thrilled to have it displayed and not attracting dust in a pile. Thanks for looking and sharing this journey.